It’s rare that I write about my personal muck here. I have this recurring thought about how I get around in life. For the past several years I’ve felt like I’m wading through a somewhat murky stream slipping and sliding on rocks I can’t see. I don’t really trust myself or the people around me. I don’t trust my thoughts about what’s in front of me. It seems each year that passes I’m more aware of how little I understand about myself and the world. I’m not sure if I care about my state of confusion or if it is confusion. Am I just acknowledging the complexity of life?

Nearly three years ago I ended the 2nd five year relationship of my life. That was followed by 2.5 years of being single (for the most part). After so much time being “single” one would think that one might get a better grasp of one’s identity but in some cases perhaps that’s not the case. Identity. Who am I? What am I doing with each day on this planet? What makes me happy or sad? What do I want for myself? Who, what is my community? What does it mean to love someone? Why do I still live in Memphis? Why do I live in a city? Why do I spend so much time in front of my computer? What are relationships? What kinds of relationships are there? Do I want to be in a relationship? Why or why not? What is the purpose of a relationship? Am I loved? Do I feel loved? Do I love? How do I love? How do we express love? What are the different kinds of love? Do I think enough about how I live? Am I deliberate enough in the way I live? Too deliberate? Am I aware enough of my surroundings? Am I aware of each moment? What about my body? Am I healthy? Am I as appreciative of my body? Why do we wear clothes?

Breathe.

How do I know who I am? Is it possible? Have I even scratched the surface of who I am? Do I avoid thinking about who I am? What are the questions I have not thought of? To what extent am I shaped by my environment? How am I perceived by my co-workers, friends and family? How do their perceptions of me affect their behavior towards me? How would my life be different if I chose to fully exploit my status as a white male with the particular skill set that I have? What does it mean to have that choice? What would my life be like if I were a black woman? A child in Iraq? What if I had been born in any country other than the U.S.? In what ways does my life and level of material consumption affect the life of others? Do I help my fellow beings often enough? When I do help is it in the “right” way? How many times have I thought I was helping only to find out later that I was hurting? How have I hurt people? How is my well being related to the well being of my neighbor?

Breathe.

Am I asking these questions because I really want to know the answers or do I just want to convince myself that I care when in fact I do not? Do I appreciate people to the extent that I probably should? Do I respect them enough? Do I respect myself? How much control do I have over my own life? Why do some people seem so sure of themselves? Do they know what they say they know? What does it mean to be sane? Am I sane? What about right and wrong, good and evil? What am I afraid of? Why haven’t I cried in a long, long time? If I let myself be open at the right time, if I let myself cry, what would come out? Why do I have those moments of elation? Where do those feelings of intense joy come from? Do I keep myself from having them more often? Is it possible or desireable to live in that state all of the time?

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Ever wish you’d been born as a squirel? Seagull? Anything but human? That’s what I’m wishing right now.